


Fuck Shit Up

by babykpats



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Comedy, Dirty Jokes, Fluff, Funny, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 07:44:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11100063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babykpats/pseuds/babykpats
Summary: Mickey likes to make Ian laugh.





	Fuck Shit Up

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I was watching Joe Rogan's stand up stuff and I got inspired. Here's the backstory:
> 
> Ian's like deep deep into depression and Mickey starts cracking stupid jokes to make Ian laugh and it works and now Mickey has a career out of it.
> 
> So this is what a Mickey Milkovich comedy show is like.
> 
> ~
> 
> MICKEY'S ACTUAL COMEDY ROUTINE IS ITALICIZED.

Mickey took a deep breath and slowly stepped onto the stage. The first thing he saw was a stool, on top of which was a bottle of water.

"Wish me luck." Mickey yelled towards where he knew his assistant was.

"Good luck, Mick." Ian's static-y voice replied.

Here goes nothing.

_The fuck is this?_

_Seriously?_

_I have to make a bunch of people living through the Trump presidency laugh and all you give me as fuel is a fucking bottle of water?_

_And it ain't even the fancy shit. You don't give me fucking Evian, none of that shit. You give me the shit you can buy wholesale at Costco._

_Motherfucker._

_Give me a fucking beer, bitch._

The stage manager sheepishly walked onstage and handed him an uncapped beer bottle.

_Alright now that that's out of the way, let's get rid of the fucking elephant in the room._

Mickey spotted a big-ish man and grinned while turning towards him.

_Sorry sir, I didn't mean you. You paid for your ticket, you got a right to stay there._

_I'm talkin bout the other elephant in the room._

_I'm just gonna come out and say it._

_I'm gay._

_Yeah, I see a lot of you squinting and turning your heads to the side. 'He doesn't look gay.' Yeah, no shit motherfucker._

_The thing that's fucking me up the ass as a gay dude, aside from my fucking boyfriend, is the media's portrayal of homosexuality._

_Every time I come out, people would expect one of two things._

_Scenario number 1. I say 'I'm gay' and straight white chicks pop outta nowhere yelling "Yas Kween!" "Work bitch!" "Slay momma." And I'm standing here like 'What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Saying. Bitch.'_

_Scenario number 2. I say 'I'm gay' and, again, straight white chicks pop outta nowhere hugging me and telling me I'm accepted and shit and that they're fucking proud of me and I'm fucking brave. And again I'm standing here like 'What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Saying. Bitch.'_

_Either way, I say I'm gay and chicks come out of the fucking woodwork and I don't know what to fucking do, all confused and shit because being gay was the only way I could escape these motherfuckers._

_People in the media really need to fix their shit. I can't be dealing with no more white girls grabbing me and shoving me towards hot dude telling me to turn on my gaydar._

_Bitch, I didn't come with a fucking gaydar. That's the newer version. The gaydar came with Homo 2.0. I'm the old ass version that came out last year with crippling fear of my father finding out that I like it up the ass._

_Speaking of liking it up the ass, God really fucked us up on that one didn't he? You know how girls have the magical spot up their pussy?_

_Shut the fuck up, asshole. I was deep in the closet until last year, I know what the inside of a fucking pussy looks like._

_Anyway, you know that secret button inside the a chick's pussy? God gave that to dudes too. And you know where he put it? He put it up our fucking asses!_

_Like we don't have the whole fucking matriarchy breathing down our necks, chicks yelling YAS KWEEN and giving us uncomfortable hugs and then he gives us this shit to worry about too. What the fuck man, can't catch a fucking break!_

_Gay sex is messy. There's no fucking way around it. When you shoot come up a girl's pussy, her body fucking swallows it up like, 'Yes, thank you.'_

_When someone shoots come up my ass my body's like, 'Nah, thanks I'm good.' and shoots it back out. Then I gotta do that little dance-walk thing that says, I got come dripping down my thighs but I don't want you to know._

_You know what the worse thing in the world is? Doing a fucking drug run with come shooting out of your fucking ass._

_I grew up in a rough neighborhood that taught me two things. One is that you don't waste money and two is gambling._

_When I used to do those alley fucks when I was a kid, I wasn't wasting money on fucking condoms. Hell no! What you think I have money coming out of my ass?_

_I bare-backed it. Bare-backed it all the fucking way._

_The gambling shit came in much later when I grew up. Every time I walked into the fucking clinic, I felt like I was hitting the fucking slots! The little slot machines that go, Ding! Ding! Ding! Jackpot!_

_I walk into the clinic and face my doctor and he's like:_

_No hepatitis? Ding!_

_No herpes? Ding!_

_No chlamydia? Ding!_

_No HIV? Jackpot!_

Mickey grinned as the people in the audience burst out in laughter and gave him a standing ovation.

_Alright, alright._

_Now what y'all can't see is the motherfucking stage manager who thought he could scam me by giving me a fucking bottled water for refreshments._

_I know the hustle, man. I know what you're trying to pull._

_Now, more that ever, we all need to come together and help save mother earth. So we gotta stop drinking water from plastic bottles and start drinking beer from glass bottles instead!_

_Alright, he's telling me to get off the fucking stage._

_Y'all are dicks for thinking my jokes were funny and I hope I never see you motherfuckers again._

Mickey jogged off stage and wiped the sweat off of his forehead. "Motherfucker." Mickey muttered. "Stage was hot!"

"You were great Mick!" Ian's voice yelled.

Mickey turned towards his assistant who was holding out a phone that was on speaker.

Mickey got the phone and put it against his ear, sticking a finger in his other ear to block out the cheers from the crowd.

"How are you?" Mickey asked.

"Better." Ian answered.

"Meds working?" Mickey asked.

"Not yet but we're closer than yesterday!"

"They gonna let you out really soon?"

"Maybe."

Mickey smiled. "I miss you."

"Miss you too."

Mickey's smile grew wider.

"Thanks for keeping me out of the jokes this time." Ian chuckled.

"You think I always keep it this vanilla? I knew you'd be listening so I had to keep that shit clean. Just in case you decide to withhold your fucking dick from me like last time." Mickey said into the phone.

Ian laughed out loud then it slowly turned into coughing. "Ugh." He groaned.

"You okay there?"

"Yeah, stupid meds giving me weird muscle pains out of fucking nowhere. Can't laugh without my abs hurting."

"Abs, huh? The FL silent or something?"

"FL?" Ian frowned.

Mickey sighed. "FL-abs? Flabs? Like, fat?" 

Ian let out another hearty laugh.

Mickey grinned. "Alright, I'm taking that one out from my next show."

"Stop making me laugh!" Ian said through his pained coughs.

"Never gonna stop making you laugh, Firecrotch." Mickey said, fiddling with the ring around his finger.

"Good." Ian replied.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, now that you're done reading this, GO ON NETFLIX AND FUCKING WATCH JOE ROGAN'S STAND UP SHIT.
> 
> I swear to God it's like Mickey Milkovich doing fucking stand up!! His jokes are 101% Mickey, I swear!!


End file.
